You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
