Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
