Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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