I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
