I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
