Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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