If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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