The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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