i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize