oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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