Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
