Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize