I am puke
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
