hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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