I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
