Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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