Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
