I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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