do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
