Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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