You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
