I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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