i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I want is dick and wine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
