fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize