Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
