I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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