would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
