If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
