You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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