i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i love accidental penises.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
