He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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