She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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