So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
