life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
