It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
