planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
