hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Randomize
