apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
