dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
