I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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