the condom got lost in my hair
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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