When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
