at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
