new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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