Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
