dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
