barbara walters just said penis...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
How's work?
Spinning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
