can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
