my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
