I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize