Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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