GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
