I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
