i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
