i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
