I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize