i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
