I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
