I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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