On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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